Hello
fans and welcome back to the final January newsletter. January was a hell of a month for wrestling
news and as we lead up to the PPV Warzone in February (tickets on sale now), I
expect the news to continue to roll in and our PPV to sell out.
In
the back, roving reporter Larry Morton received news that he wanted to break
first. “It turns out that while being
stuck in England, Dirk ‘the Pick’ Devon and Cactus Jackie got married! This was a shocker as we didn’t know they
were an item. We also learned that
Jackie got herself a lil’ pick in the oven.
That’s right, according to our sources (it was the Axe who released this
information) Jackie is pregnant and has decided to take time off until after
the baby is born. Once she decides to
return to the squared circle, she will be known as Cactus Jackie Devon. Word also has it that their VISA situation
may be cleared up sooner rather than later.
If that is the case, maybe they’ll be back before the Warzone PPV.” Thank you Larry for that update.
It
also turns out that we got a video promo from the Pick and the Axe while stuck
over in England. Basically, they
badmouthed Rocky Lapetus and said that he better never stick his 6’4” nose in
their business ever again. Pick seemed
especially put-off even though he should be happy he got married and has a
child on the way. I guess some people
just can’t let things go.
Prestige
Inc start off the show with a reminder of their challenge to Kane and the
Ascension. This time, they are
challenging them for spot for the 6 man tag team titles. Reid goes on to clarify. “Now, I want you to understand and I’ll use
little words so you’re simple little minds can understand this. We are challenging you for your ranking
spot. We don’t want your dog spot, your
liver spot or even the spot on your shirt.
6 man title spot. Now get your
asses out here so we can get on with our day.
The
Ascension with Kane and MJ make their way to the ring. They do not look happy. MJ has a mic.
“I asked you chumps once before if you really want to get your asses
handed to you. If you feel you’re a
glutton for punishment, Kane and the Ascension will gladly rip you new asses
and send you crying home to momma. Reid,
really, that is the best you can do?
Steal a promo from a decade ago and pretend it’s your own? Are you that unoriginal? Wait, don’t answer that.” While MJ was flapping his gums, Kane and the
Ascension hit the ring and it took half a dozen refs and “shirts” to break it
up. GM Master Bull came out and said
that these 6 men would wrestle in the main event tonight with the Ascension
& Kane’s title spot on the line.
Eventually everyone broke it up and left.
We
finally get our matches underway and we start off with Intercontinental
Champion Buff Austin defending his title against Ethan Carter III (EC
III). This is a best of 3 falls; 60
minute match. Carter gets the first fall
in 25 minutes. Buff Austin gets the
second fall in 29 minutes. That only
leaves 6 minutes for our final fall. As
we expected, the 60 minute time limit runs out and we have ourselves a
draw. Buff Austin, exhausted, grabs his
title and leaves the ring.
We
move right on to our next match which is former A-Team member Alberto El Patron
taking on the man who is occupying a spot on the A-Team he once occupied; the
newest member Abyss. Patron promised
that he would go through each and every one of them and would make them pay. Abyss said that if Alberto wants to get at
Austin, he has to go through him first.
Abyss started strong but soon fizzled out. Alberto took advantage and beat on the A-Team
member for a whopping 20 minutes. Aries
came out after he saw Abyss struggling but a perfectly timed collision between
Abyss and Aries sent Austin flying from the ring. Alberto got the pin on Abyss after hitting a
Falling Powerbomb. After the match and
after Abyss rolled out of the ring, Aries tried to attack Alberto but he was
waiting for him. Alberto tried to lock
Aries in a Rolling Cross Armbreaker but luckily, Aries was able to escape. These two will collide sooner rather than
later. GM Hulk Hogan comes out and says
that he wants to see Alberto vs Austin Aries at the PPV but the champs are
already committed. Hogan promises that
before the PPV gets here, Alberto will get a chance to put his hands on
Aries…BUT it will be in a handicap match.
The A-Team, in full force, will go 3 on 1 against Alberto. Aries makes his way up the ramp and shakes
hands with the GM and laughs all the way to the back.
In
the back, EC III is pissed off and Rockstar Spud is trying to calm him
down. In walk the Desperados and that
seems to do it for Carter. “Well, look
who we have here…The Fruit Roll up and the Slim Jim.” The Stache chuckles under his breath. “You know, normally we’d be pissed off and
kick your asses all over the arena but we’re in too good a mood.” El Chango chimes in. “It seems that your mocking of us got the
attention of some people over at Betty Crocker (makers of Fruit Roll Ups) and
ConAgra Foods (makers of the Slim Jim) and they have made us spokesmen for
their product.” Stache adds “That’s
right. We get endorsements from them as
well as some serious cash so what we’re really trying to say is ‘Thanks’ for
making us rich without us having to do anything about it.” El Chango offers them some slim jims (Snap
into this) and Fruit Rollups. They walk
away laughing. EC III throws the food on
the floor and then leaves. Rockstar Spud
picks it up, opens the Slim Jim and ‘snaps’ into it. (Editor’s note: the new sponsors were nice enough to send the
Stache and El Chango a collector’s item which they shared with us.)
And
this one from our friends at ConAgra Foods:
We
head back to the ring for a 6 man tag team match. Kenta, Sanada and Tajiri are taking on Keven
Steen, Curtis Axel and Jack Swagger.
Wow, it goes to show you that when your team is not all on the same page
like Team Steen, it shows just how bad it can get. Kenta, Sanada and Tajiri just steamrolled
over the competition as if no one bothered to show up. Towards the end of the match, Tajiri spit
mist into the eyes of Axel who, in a blinded rage, struck both Swagger and
Steen knocking them from the ring.
Tajiri snuck up from behind and rolled Axel up for the 1-2-3. Steen and Swagger were not happy with Axel
and actually left him alone in the ring as they left without him. (16 min)
It
is time for singles action again and next we have the A-Team’s Antonio Cesaro
taking on American Wolves member Davey Richards. The two fought for a solid 19 minutes but
came to an end after Richards caught Cesaro with the Saito Suplex and scored
the pinfall.
It
is time for our MAIN EVENT. Prestige
Inc.’s own King Damian Sandow, Magnus and ‘The Elitist’ Reid Rothchild
challenge The Ascension w/ Kane for their spot in the 6 man title hunt. MJ accompanies his team to the ring to meet
Prestige Inc who is already in the ring.
This match showed once again the dominance of the Ascension coupled with
the ferociousness of the monster Kane.
For 5 minutes, the Ascension tripled teamed Prestige Inc. not giving
them any chance to mount a comeback. During the match, Kane hit a tombstone
piledriver on Magnus and he barely made it back in before the 10 count. The Ascension would not let up however and
with keeping Sandow and Rothchild busy, Konnor takes Magnus out of the ring
again and he and Viktor put him through the Spanish announce table. Magnus gets counted out. The match goes to the Ascension but before
they could continue the onslaught on Prestige, the World Tag Team Champions MW3
and Donnie B come out to chase off the Ascension and Kane but the damage has
been done. The champs call for the
Ascension in the ring but they slowly walk backwards up the ramp all the while
staring at the champs in the ring.
This
brings the show to an end. Stay tuned as
we expect in the next issue or two to see the PPV line up disclosed.
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