Hello
fans and welcome to our 400th issue of the HWF/CSWA Wrestling
newsletter. Today’s issue is indeed a
milestone that took us over 11 years to get to.
Thanks for sticking with us all this time. (Side note from the editor: with the exception of female wrestler Sasha
Banks, World/Undisputed champion Bray Wyatt, Brock Lesnar and the Rock,
everyone involved in today’s show are made up characters).
Before
the show begins, the camera pan the audience and it sees one fan at ringside
was wearing a “I’m a Meeple. Who will
join me?” t-shirt. Uh Oh, this better
not become a trend. The fan tried to get
those around him doing a “Meeple, Meeple” chant and they all looked at him like
he was insane. Does this guy not
remember #CJ calling all fans ‘pubic hairs’?
Our
first match begins with a women’s six person battle. Southern Belle, Madame Jade & Jupiter
Jane vs Cactus Jackie, Spider Violet and Sasha Banks. Belle, Jade and Jane all come out to cheering
from the fans. One fan held a “Madame
Jade is hardcore” sign and she stopped and signed it for the fan. Following them are Jackie, Violet and
Sasha. Sasha actually stopped and took
that sign from the fan that Madame Jade just signed and tore it to pieces and
threw it on the ground. The booing and
hissing that followed was excruciatingly loud.
Sasha would not get in the ring at all with Jade. Jane, Jade and Belle destroyed the
competition but constant saves kept the heel’s team alive. As we closed in on that 30 minute time limit,
Women’s Champion Ravishing Raquel came out and forcibly pulled Belle down from
the ring and she smacked her face against the ring practically knocking her
out. Raquel then left laughing. Madame Jade tended to Belle as Jane continued
to clean house. Finally, the bell rang
signaling the end of the match as a draw but this was hardly an even
fight. Madame Jade did manage to get in
one shot on Sasha before she bolted out of the ring. I’m sure these ladies will all meet again. (30 min draw)
The
Women’s Champion Ravishing Raquel says that Taylor Bella is playing with forces
beyond her comprehension and if not careful, will end up hurt crawled up in a
ball like Southern Belle was. Raquel
promises that Belle will NOT be at the Clash of the Champions.
Next
on the card, The Band (The Axe and Dirk ‘the Pick’ Devon) come out and throw
down a challenge to the Steel Curtain for their title shot at the PPV. Starbuck and Buzz Steel come out to a pop
from the fans and accept. 9 minutes into
the match, both Starbuck and Buzz get injured and the Band doesn’t let up. Try as they could though, they could not get
the pin. Finally, the Steel Curtain
recovered enough to take the match back to the Band. Axe and Dirk could not believe the resilience
that this team possessed. Finally, they
determined there was no way they were going to win so Dirk and the Axe left the
ring and walked to the back resulting in a countout. The Steel Curtain retain their spot at the
PPV.
Backstage,
Leon Teremoto says he wants his shot at the hardcore title tonight. He tells Magnum Kone that his time is now and
nothing will keep him from fulfilling a dream.
Our
next match is #CJ vs ‘Luke Warm’ Lucas Johnston. While making his way to the
ring, a fan taunts #CJ “Rocks gonna kill you”.
#CJ turns to the fan and say “shut your mouth you f*****g moron.” The fan stood there for a moment and his only
reply was “same to you”. Rock cuts a
quick promo.
“Hey
Horowitz, if your gonna accompany the most interesting man in ALL of sports
entertainment , you better for damn sure be something more than a ring
decoration, I mean damn if I just wanted someone to stand there and look
stupid I would still be with that other Jones guy (now known as the
Nigerian Wraith)… you rocky I'll give it to ya... you we're a little more than
I expected.....I figured the lifestyle and these gms changed you and had you
all gassed up.......but thats what I like, I want to beat you the pc at his
best, so I CJ can once and for all prove that I am the REAL PC!!!!!!! SO AT THE
CLASH ROCKY BELIEVE CJ IS COMING FOR YOU, NO TRICKS, NO GIMMERICKS (spelling
errors left in intentionally) 110% REAL, RAW AND UNCUT......... CJ OUT”.
As
he drops the mic, Lucas immediately attacked #CJ before he could get anything
started but soon found his way. After
beating down on Lucas for 10 minutes, the Rock makes his way out and #CJ is
none too happy. Lucas takes the opportunity
to blast #CJ with a flying dropkick. He
then started pummeling #CJ with quick forearm smashes. He then hooked the tights and got the
win. Lucas Johnston gets his 2nd
win of the year (this guy really sucks so that means #CJ is worse). How this schmuck beat Brock Lesnar is beyond
me. (15 min)
Clarkus
Kentus tells us the main event will be Champ vs Champ with Ravishing Raquel
taking on Taylor Bella but the belts are NOT on the line.
“Main
Event’ Buff Austin comes out and says that he should be in the main event as
his name signifies. He is tired or
getting looked over and tells someone in the back to come out and fight
him. He says he will defeat whomever it
is or will call it quits. Mr. Wrestling
#5 comes out and Buff seems ok with it. For the first 14 minutes of the match, Buff
held his own but after eating 2 consecutive million $ kneelifts, he started to
struggle…and struggle he did for the next 16 minutes without submitting or
getting pinned. The match ends in a time
limit draw but at the end, Buff was getting destroyed. Since Buff didn’t lose the match, he doesn’t
have to retire but I’m sure MW5 will want another shot at putting him out for
good. Mr. Wrestling #5 says that he will
challenge Buff Austin to another match on another day and wants Buff’s career
on the line. GM Max McGillicutty comes
out and says that if Buff were to do this again, Mr. Wrestling #5 would have to
do the same. After thinking about it for
a minute, he agreed. That match will
happen at a later date. (30 min draw; 35
min for the segment)
The
cameras immediately pan to the back where there is a commotion. The camera man breaks through the crowd only
to see the Rock on the ground laid out.
On him there is a sign that reads “#CJ knocked your candy ass out
bitch.” Max is standing there and is
furious. He screams “CJ!!!” (think Star
Trek’s Captain Kirk (or Spock from the reboot) screaming “Khan!”)
We
make it back to the ring for the next match of the Fiend vs ‘the Elitist’ Reid
Rothchild. After both men got in the
ring, Fiend went to shake Reid’s hand and got bitch slapped instead. The Fiend took the ‘can of whoppass’ from
Reid and used it on him beating the tar out of him for 7 minutes. Finally, he nails the Last Caress and gets
the 3 count. The Fiend looks to the
camera and tells the Miz he’s next. Reid
is all kinds of pissed off and storms out of the ring.
We
are back in the interview area where The Desperados are approached by the
Nigerian Wraith and Sonic Blade. They say
they want, nay, deserve a title shot.
Max, still furious, comes over and tells the Wraith and Blade that they
suck and if they don’t start getting some wins, he’s going to pull a ‘Dana
White’ and put them to pasture. Since he’s in this ‘mood’, all they get is a
non-title match instead.
Leon
Teremoto comes out first and then is followed by Hardcore Champion ‘the King of
Cones’ Magnum Kone. This match is for
the Hardcore title. The ref announces
that this match will be a Tables, Ladders and Chairs stipulation. For the first 10 minutes of the match, Leon
used the ladder to beat down the champ in hopes of softening him up. All it did was make him more motivated. The longer the match went on, the more rabid
the fans became screaming for tables to be broken and blood to be spilt. The match continued with only one table being
used and it didn’t break. The match ends
up hitting the 30 minute mark and we have ourselves yet another draw. After the match, both men continued to shove
each other but finally relented and reluctantly shook hands afterwards. (30 min draw)
In
the back, the Fiend responds to the Miz’s comments. He says at the Clash, he walks out as the
champ or walks out permanently.
We
are back in the ring for our next match The Desperados vs Nigerian Wraith &
Sonic Blade. The Steel Curtain (Buzz and
Starbuck Steel) come down and sit at commentary. Max comes out and says that they need time
for the main event so the time limit on this match is cut down to 20
minutes. Following suit to 3 other
matches, this one went the distance with the Desperados KILLING them. Wraith and Blade are very lucky this one
ended in a draw or Max could very well see them put on the chopping block. (20
min draw)
Backstage,
as Taylor Bella is walking towards the ring, she responds to Raquel’s comment
and says that Raquel should underestimate her just like Jupiter Jane did and
she’ll show everyone who the better champ really is.
It
is time for our Main Event. Diva’s
Champion Taylor Bella comes out first to a mixed reaction from the crowd. Next, the Women’s Champion Ravishing Raquel
comes out and is booed all the way to the ring.
We are reminded that this is a non-title match. This match really was the highlight of the night
and truly lived up to being a main event.
Raquel started off strong and like it was assumed, she underestimated
the Diva’s Champion. After hitting a
face plant, Taylor took over and controlled the match. Raquel tried on a few occasions to sneak out
but Taylor wouldn’t let her. After a few
minutes, Raquel hit a hammer smash (not a literal hammer) to the back of
Taylor’s head and took back over.
Jupiter Jane came down during the match and distracted Taylor. Raquel then hit her with the Simply Ravishing
and rolled her up for the 1-2-3. Just as
the bell rang, Southern Belle, all bandaged up, runs down and attacks
Raquel. Taylor attacks Jane and the 4 of
them all fight up the ramp and to the back.
(22 min; 25 for the segment)
Just
when we thought the show was going to be over, HWF World and Undisputed
Champion Bray Wyatt comes out for one last promo:
"A
leader that does not glorify the triumphs of his peers is no leader at all. As
I look down upon the destruction I’ve wrought, I see what is left from the trampling
over all the bodies of my fallen enemies.
Soon, you will all see me climb that majestic ladder. My victory over
Brock Lesnar will bring forth a glorious new era, an era in which the Eater of
Worlds retains his spot in this world as champion of all those desperate little
needy souls that he had to trample along the way. And I will not be alone, for Abigail
is always at my side. As I gather new disciples
to help spread the word, we will annihilate all these unworthy little
creatures. United in splendor, we will roam the Earth like giants, casting out
the light of our message: Follow the buzzards."
4
people dressed in robes (druid-like) come out and they are carrying…what the
hell… an unconscious Brock Lesnar. The
hooded individuals roll Brock in the ring and then depart. Bray places his foot on Brock and while holding
his titles over his head, he begins to laugh manically. The show then ends.
Stay
Tuned. The PPV is up next.
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