Hello fans and welcome to another installment of the HCW Wrestling Newsletter. Tonight, we bring you a new show – HCW: After Dark. These vignettes will highlight something from outside the ring. Tonight, after the severe beating Doofus Covfefe took at the hands of Cara Loco and the Chamber of Horrors and then the ass-whooping he got from Kurse the Death Dealer, he totally went off the rails.
We have both his rant and an interesting vignette after getting picked up and taken to court.
Pre-recorded backstage Promo: Doofus Covfefe (Post-Chamber Meltdown): Taped 4/20
(Camera cuts to the medical bay. Doofus Covfefe is slouched sideways on a folding chair, his head bandaged, dried blood caked on his lip, and his once-golden robe shredded. He's wearing a white T-shirt—torn, stained, and proudly emblazoned with the letters “A1” in bold red.)
The camera zooms in as Doofus suddenly flails upright, eyes wide like a raccoon caught in a fridge.
Doofus Covfefe (slurring, babbling, possibly concussed):
“I… I survived the HORRORS… I beat the odds… I was ELECTED by AMERICA to win that match—and I DID. Mentally. Spiritually. Emotionally. Constitutionally.”
(He points proudly to his chest, the “A1” logo partially ripped in half.)
Doofus:
“LOOK at this! You see this?? A1! Stands for... Absolute One! The Chosen Sauce of Champions. This is Presidential-grade fabric, folks. You can’t get this kind of cotton overseas!” (little does he realize but his shirt IS made outside the US).
(He stands up, nearly falls, then leans on a water cooler like it’s a podium.)
Doofus (more intense now):
“People say I lost to Cara Loco… Fake news! What I saw out there was an illegal mask! That wasn’t even a human! That was a foreign ghost wearing my taxes as pants!”
(He spins around, holding up a sweaty cue card with “VICTORY” scribbled in crayon.)
Doofus:
“And WALDO... WALDO IS MY BEST PETER EVER. I’ve never had a better Peter! Not even Peter Piper, not even Peter the Apostle, not even Peter Parker—Waldo is Peter #1!”
(He begins to sob—just a little.)
Doofus:
“He found me in the darkness. In the fog. In the CASKET. He brought me a corn dog and whispered: ‘You are the real television.’ And I knew right then… I was meant to be syndicated.”
(Suddenly yelling.)
Doofus:
“AND NEXT TIME—next time you lock me in that chair and think you’ve broken me? I’ll come back stronger! With TWO WALDOS! MAYBE THREE! With a new shirt that says ‘A++’ because I’m evolving like a Pokémon with emotional instability!”
(He suddenly points at the camera like he’s in a campaign ad.)
Doofus (smiling through blood):
“You haven't seen the last of me, HCW. I’m your Crispy President. Your Champ of Choice. Your DOOFUS COVFEFE—the A1 of Anarchy.”
(He collapses backward off the chair with a soft grunt. The medics rush in.
Camera fades out on a close-up of his A1 shirt—now smudged with mustard, a thumbtack, and an “I Voted” sticker that wasn’t there before.
Now, we cut to our next vignette which takes place a couple of days later.
HCW Presents: “The People vs. Doofus Covfefe”
A special out-of-ring vignette filmed “somewhere near the justice system.”
[Scene opens in a chaotic courtroom.]
The American flag hangs slightly crooked behind the bench. Papers are everywhere. A confused bailiff holds a gavel like it’s a turkey leg. The crowd murmurs in disbelief.
The defendant?
Doofus Covfefe.
Bloodied, bruised, and still wearing his tattered “A1” shirt — now with ketchup stains on it. His “electrified” hair from the Chamber of Horrors stands up like a fried ferret. He stands behind the defendant's table, looking extremely proud of himself.
Judge McGinty (exhausted):
“Mr. Covfefe, you are here today facing 92 separate charges of disruption, fraud, unsanctioned campaigning, public flatulence, and attempted mind control with barbecue sauce. How do you plead?”
Doofus Covfefe (loudly, grinning):
“I plead… covfefe. Which, in legal terms, Your Honor, means innocent, powerful, and lightly marinated. I rest my mayonnaise.”
[Crowd murmurs again. One juror begins twitching uncontrollably.]
Prosecutor:
“Your Honor, the defendant was caught on camera declaring Waldo as ‘his best Peter ever.’ That is not a legal defense. That’s a cry for help.”
Doofus (smugly):
“Waldo is my rock. My muse. My flavor enhancer. You ever had a Peter like Waldo? Didn’t think so.”
Judge McGinty (rubbing temples):
“Mr. Covfefe… you also tried to declare yourself ‘TV Champion for Life’ and sent an executive order to HCW management written in glitter pen on the back of a McRib wrapper.”
Doofus (nodding):
“Checks out.”
Prosecutor:
“He’s also accused of attempting to rebrand the Chamber of Horrors as the Freedom Sauna.”
Doofus (defiantly):
“Fake news. It’s called marketing. It’s called branding. A1. That stands for Number One. That’s ME, baby.”
Judge McGinty (to the bailiff):
“Do we have to do this trial in character?”
Bailiff (whispers):
“Sir… he never breaks. He signed the court summons ‘President Doofus the Third.’”
Doofus (now standing on his chair):
“If convicted, I demand trial by ladder match! I brought my own ladder! It’s inflatable!”
[Suddenly, a furious Cara Loco bursts into the courtroom, still holding the TV Title. He points directly at Doofus.
Cara Loco (quietly):
“You owe me sanity, Covfefe.”
Doofus (pointing):
“Objection! He’s Mexican!”
Judge McGinty:
“Mr. Covfefe, you’re from Wisconsin.”
Doofus:
“And yet… I lead the world. You're welcome.”
[The judge slams the gavel.]
Judge McGinty:
“This case is dismissed. Not because you’re innocent—but because I literally cannot spend another minute in this room with you. Court adjourned.”
Pyro goes off…for no apparent reason.
[Doofus fist pumps, then accidentally knocks himself out with the inflatable ladder.]
Narrator (voiceover):
“This has been a presentation of HCW After Dark: Justice Edition. Doofus Covfefe is still at large. Please don’t feed him. Don’t encourage him. And under no circumstances, let him near a microphone.”
We hope you enjoyed this little break from wrestling. The fall out show is up next. Stay Tuned.
